Title: A Lover's Conundrum

Author: Marie King

Show: The Pretender

Rating: PG for mild language

Season/Spoilers: Ranger Jarod

Summary: Jarod & Miss Parker reflect on their lives and love.

A Lover's Conundrum

By Marie King

Jarod eased his way out of the bedroll, careful not to disturb Nia. He moved closer to the fire and watched the flames flicker, as he analyzed the feelings that were boiling within him. He knew it was futile to rationalize emotions, but he needed the calming effect that finding the answers always gave him.

His gaze traveled to the sleeping woman. He had held her in his arms while she relived the terror of her childhood. He had laughed with her, had told her his secret and he had made love to her. Jarod shifted guiltily. But he didn't love her; he cared about her, but he didn't love her. And while that disturbed him, it was the feeling of betrayal that bothered him the most. He knew there was no logical reason to feel this way; he owed Miss Parker nothing. But it still was there, the feeling he'd betrayed his first love.

Parker took another swallow of her drink and pressed play, again. Why, she wondered, am I listening to this shit? She closed her eyes, listening as Jarod asked Sydney's advice about women, trying to ignore the sharp pain of loss she felt.

"He means, nothing to me, less than nothing," she whispered, knowing in her heart she was lying. Why should it matter if he sleeps with other women? It's not as if she'd been pining away for him. She dropped the tape player on the end table and walked across the room.

"Pining away?" She sneered, "for what?"

It had been nothing more than a childhood friendship, a school room romance that had consisted of secretly holding hands and a few stolen kisses. If it was nothing, then why did she feel unfaithful to her first love? Had it been the feeling of being protected and needed? After her mother's death, her father had become distant. She had felt isolated and alone in the Centre. Jarod had made her feel less alone. Just knowing that he was there, somewhere in that cold clinic building had made her feel safe and protected. She had needed to feel safe. She'd needed someone to keep the nightmares away, someone to tell her that it was okay. That person had been Jarod. He had needed her too. That had made her feel special and she had needed to feel special to someone.

Jarod poked at the dying flames, hoping to stir up the embers and recalling the pleasure of his lovemaking with Nia. Was that, he wondered, what he wanted to do with Parker? He hadn't laid eyes on her in a long time, yet her face and her smile were burned into his mind. Every time he spoke to her, the sound of her voice could set his blood singing. Sometimes he called just to hear her voice. Maybe I just need to get her out of my system, he thought. Yes, that was it. But how do you get rid of the memory of your first kiss?

Jarod had heard about the men in her life. In many ways, the Centre was like a small town and people gossiped. He'd heard the women talk about her, about how she was promiscuous. He had heard the men speculate on what she was like in bed, and every time, it was like being stabbed in the heart. He had been angry, angry with those men for using her, and angry with her for letting them. Maybe, he thought, she was trying to erase the memory too.

He sighed. But making love to Nia hadn't erased Parker from his heart. The events of the night had only made the memory shaper, sweeter. His heart still raced when he thought about the first time he'd touched her, the spark that had arced from her hand to his, the smile on her lips when she said girls matured faster than boys and then had kissed him. Where her lips still as soft? Did she still smell like wildflowers? If he kissed her today, would she push him away or submit to his caress?

Damn it! He tossed the stick into the fire. Why can't I just forget her? Damn the Centre for taking away my life and damn Sydney for not telling me how much love hurts! And damn Parker for touching my heart.

Parker sighed with contentment as she lowered herself into the hot bath and inhaled the fragrance of her favorite bath oil. She closed her eyes and took a sip from the glass of wine that she had poured and tried to block the sound of Jarod's voice out of her mind. She had tried to purge the memory of that first gentle kiss out of her mind. No matter how many men she had, she always remembered the surprise on Jarod's face, the softness of his lips and the gentleness as he returned her kiss. How do you forget your first love?

She wondered at the pain the thought of him in another woman's arms created, this other woman who would be his first lover. Was he touching her now? Did they share the electricity she and Jarod had once shared? Was his touch as gentle as she remembered it? Did his smile make her knees weak? She wiped at a tear that threatened to fall. Damn it! She wasn't supposed to feel like this about Jarod. He was her prey, her target, and her freedom. She had to forget him. She had to forget the sweetness, had to forget the boy who had held her hand. But she couldn't forget and the memories made her ache in an empty place deep inside.

Damn the Centre! Damn her father and damn Sydney, with his sly smiles and knowing looks! She swiped frantically at the tears that rolled down her cheeks. And most of all, damn Jarod. Damn his smile and damn his sweet kisses.

Sydney tossed aside the medical journal he had been reading and for a brief moment toyed with the idea of calling Miss Parker. Her reaction to Jarod's phone call bothered him. He knew that she had some conflicts where Jarod was concerned. She tried to cover them under layers of sarcasm and indifference, but he knew better.

At the time he had wholeheartedly supported Catherine's suggestion that her little girl participate in some of Jarod's sims; today he wasn't so certain that they had made the right decision. The two had formed an almost instant bond and ensuing events apparently had not broken it. Sydney had always known that Jarod loved Miss Parker. Today for the first time, he had verification of Parker's feelings. She had loved, and perhaps still did love, Jarod. The question was, did they know?

End